Its been 2 years and i still think about you everyday, theirs not a day i don’t reminisce about what we could’ve been . Do you ever wonder what we could’ve been ? Im always missing people i shouldn’t be. You were my very first and i guess thats all you ever be, I grew feelings towards you but it wasn’t mutual. But i guess ill never be good enough for you.. But always kept it in the low. Lost contact but i still feel you here.I heard you have a girlfriend now and you actually love her, i guess ill never be her.
Went from something to nothing.
I hate living a life with so many insecurities and low self esteem. Its almost like i feel empty inside, nothing to live for. Lately i been working a lot to get more money but it seems like i keep wanting more, it doesn’t satisfy me. But yet to realize money doesn’t make you fully happy. I wanna wake up one day and just feel absolutely beautiful as a matter in fact flawless. Not just in the outside as well in the inside. I want to wake up happy. But i don’t seem to accomplish that. Something missing or someone. This last months i have completely avoided everyone and it feels like they avoided me, like i fell off this world. I have no friends, all the friends i had in high school doesn’t ever try to contact me nor do i though. Its okay though i have made some new ones, a lot of my coworkers become more then that and their amazing but its different their all mature and settle in their adult life. And i’am just starting. I have yet to learn so much.
Loneliness
I have accomplish so much this year but still don’t feel happy and i don’t know why, i managed to graduate a year earlier from high school. And Im currently working full-time and going to college but yet don’t feel productive. I almost feel like somethings missing. Its like the same routine every single day. I have no friends but i honestly don’t care. Throughout high school i had so manny friends but i graduated and its almost like i disappeared. But its okay i know where i stand now right ? The only person i have well had was my cousin, she was my best friEND. But she came out the closet and replaced me with her girlfriend every since then she never talks to me like that. They broke up for a few weeks and we started to get close again and she came in the picture again and i got painted over again you can say. But this time it was different, i cut her off. Her girlfriend was talking shit to me through my cousin phone, and i just told her straight out that just don’t talk to me any more. And she hasn’t since, but what got me feeling some type of way is she never hit me up apologizing for her girlfriend or nothing. We were suppose to go to cancun together to visit our grandparent we already bought the tickets in advanced and everything and i canceled mine without even telling her, yup thats how i feel. Its just so hard you know, being so close to someone like super close and one day everything changed and one day just getting replaced, almost like she toke her away from me.Like she chose her over me. But I’m over it like for real. Its almost like i feel hate. And i swear i don’t wanna feel that way but i do, i prayed to god the other day to eliminate unnecssersy people in my life and i started loosing friends 🙂 I think i need a boyfriend but i don’t even think i want one, they take so much time from your life, and are so needy. And jealous and worst of all clingy. YUCK! hahaha . I have no time right now thats all i usually work from 11am-8pm or 6am-3pm. And plus school. I don’t think i can squeeze a boyfriend and this point in my life to be honest.
Dealing w/ a eating disorder, its almost been about 2 years or more, and i cant stop but i dont even think i want to stop. Imagine eating what ever you want, what ever amount and not gainig weight ? Eating over and over, enjoying it again and again and not having to worry about getting fat. But this isn’t just a game i know! It does come with side affects and consequences, you cant stop eating, you get this really bad anxiety and eat everything over again almost like you cant tell yourself to stop. For example ill have a bag of chips and i just eat 2 chips but in my head theirs a voice telling me i want more and more and in the end ill end up eating the whole bag.Its almost like its not me anymore you know ? its this feeling i get full of guilt, and this voice in my brain i cant shake off. I wake up every morning with a mindset im going to change but i end up doing it again and again.. Its like i just cant get full. My parent have caught me so many times but end up yelling and me and lecture me but in the end ill end up promising ill stop but i start again in a day or two. My mom literally seen BAGS of vomit under my bed and its almost like shes scared to realize im hurting myself in the worse way possible. Just this one time she tried to get me a physiologist but everything was past our budget so she just let it go. I dont even know if ill have to courage to go through this but i just wanna show girls out their that their is help out their, You dont ever have to go through things alone if you dont want to. And also to the People out their that called me FAT and a COW that words do hurt and really do leave a scar maybe it was a joke to them but it really got to me and their the reason why i live the live im living. Things like that make a big impact on people, people take things differently and how they react to it. Im tired of living in a world you have to be a size 0 to be considered skinny. Everyone different in a positive way. it doesn’t matter if your a 0 or a 10 right ? Society has taught me that no matter what size you are you’ll never be good enough.
Faith
i came across a post today where it states ” dear god if I’m wrong, right me. If I’m lost, guide me. If i start to give up, keep me going. Lead me in light and love” and i couldn’t agree more. We need to start involving god more in our lives.We go on our lives not thinking about god, when his all he thinks about. We come to god when we need something and when its life threatening. And it shouldn’t be like that god should remain in out thoughts through out the day no matter what, and just thank him for another day. Jesus can help us avoid temptation, we just need faith. When ever you feel stuck or empty PRAY. I started to pray and my whole life got better.
Words kill like cancer
People just don’t understand how words cut deep, I’m sick and tired of people judging one another as if they are perfect. People judge other people because their just not happy about themselves, either they have something you don’t or they have someone you don’t. I wanna live in a world where its full of love and harmony not hate and jealously. Why can’t we all be civil and just get along. What really irritates me when a female is quick to judge another, slut shaming them or about their appearance. We are women we should empowering one another not pushing each other down.
Hello My Lovely viewers :)
Im basically making this blog about EVERYTHING about me. It doesn’t sound nice does it ? lol not like in a self center way though, i want to here about you as well. I want you to join my journey, I’m going to post everyday i swear…. i just bought a new mac book pro and I’m kind of trying to get into journalism this semester in college and i think this would be a great opportunity. . 
iloveemilyy <3 